& a mothers' silent plea
2005-06-07, 12:30 p.m.

I found a letter, or perhaps a personal page of things Heather had written to no one in particular. It was left open, maybe on purpose for me to read and maybe not. I read some of it, and the parts that I had read of the things she said makes my heart ache.
To think that she feels I don't hear her when she says she loves me hurt more than the feeling of a razor slicing across my skin.

I do hear her, and I don't tell her that I love her just to make her feel better about who she is.

I don't pretend to know what she's going through. I know even at the age of thirteen that she's dealing with an extreme amount of stress and depression. And it's true, she doesn't talk to me, I wish she would. But I can't force her to share her emotions with me.

I mean, suddenly she's taken from her siblings and has oddly become an only child. I can see her pain, and I wish there was more I could do, to help, just anything. But to want isn't as simple as snapping your fingers together. I just, I don't want her to be a repeat cycle of me. I want her to believe in herself and believe that she can be whoever she wants to be.

I don't know if she knows how much I believe in her. I do. And her will to fight and be so strong beneath all of her fears is what's helping me, in myself.

How do you tell a child who's hiding so much inside of themselves just how much you love them, regardless of the scars they're carrying deep inside?

I know how hard it is for her trying to make it through the past of Forrest Park and the deep scars he's left embedded in her. I hear her cries in the night when she's having nightmares. I reach out to her and hold her close to me as I whisper to her. I hold her as long as I can, until her tightened fingers on my shirt loosen and she pushes away from me.
I don't let go when she pulls away, but I don't force her back against my body, because I'm afraid that pressure of forcefullness will trigger another part of her nightmares.

I don't know what to do to help. My mind screams at me for not doing more, but all I know to do is to wait and wait, until she comes to me. I just.. I don't want her to hold everything inside so deep to the point that she's afraid to be who she is, who I can see beneath all of the layers of tattered and reopened scars. I don't want her to lose sight of herself.
She's beautiful, strong, confident, proud, warm, and so much more.

I just want the best for her, I just don't know how to give it.

Help doesn't seem to be enough, telling her how much I love her pushes her away. What do I do?

Is it too late for me to try harder, or should I try less? And, if I try less will she think I've stopped loving her, and believing in her?

She's got such a beautiful soul, and never asks for anything. But, if she needs something, she will do everything and anything to earn it. She doesn't take advanatge.

Everyone adores her. People connect with her so easily, and I cherish that.
But, I know her heart craves for so much more.

She's trapped here with nowhere to go, under constant criticism of others, and I see how it's slowly pushing her further away from me.

I just want to help, but I feel like she doesn't want my help, but at the same time wants me to understand everything she's going through.
And, would it make a difference if I told her I do understand?
I just don't know what to do.
I'm lost between the movements of wanting and needing, and terrified she'll push away even further.

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