& in his memory
2009-06-13, 11:32 a.m.

Over the years, in my time of writing out my sorrows, depression, and bi-polar moments, I more than too many numerous times presented myself the martyr; I know that I never was. I don't know what I was accomplishing; or trying to accomplish.
I do know that I found out who I really was - the person I am today.I know that over the last 5 years I thought I was divorced, only to recently find out that I was not. (I don't if I will ever figure that one out)
I know that although I presented "the husband" as an ass, a person with little to no intelligence, and a total hypocrite as to the very things he always preached about. I know that he was an abusive man, even though he still tried in all of his best effort to do right by his children. I also know, that on many occasions I probably provoked a lot of our arguments, because I purposely wanted to leave him, to discover the new life I found within me. I know that he, too, was venturing off in some other area of his life, that made us very distant to one another. Even when we were living in the same household.
Our marriage, when you break it all down, was a marriage of convenience. There was nothing loving about our relationship. We were together because of the kids, and even I know that was a tragedy in waiting.
When I left in 2005 to venture into my own life, I vowed to hate him, and realized the other day that I never really grew to hate him at all. I still cared about him, and what happened to him in his life. I cared, because he tried everything he could over the last four years to do everything right by his kids. And damn if he didn't try. Even on his worst days, he would be broke, and without a dime for himself, and would still find ways to do things with Jamie, Heather and/or Stephen.

Since Ben's passing I have come to know some factors about our life that we had shared, together. We may have never really discovered the meaning of love (in our relationship), but our commitment was always there.
No, I cannot admit that I loved him (even in the end) because I just didn't. Does that make me sad? Of course. But just because I didn't love him the way he had preferred, never meant that I didn't love him as a person. He proved to be a great father.

Ben's funeral was yesterday. It was at the National Cemetery at Jefferson Barracks, in St. Louis. Ben was honored as a devoted and loving father, to his children. A man without prejudice, and that's the way I want it to remain.
He was never a perfect man, but no man is.

Stephen is completely broken over the loss of his father.I couldn't expect anything less. He loved his father totally. As well as Heather, Jamie and Sammi. They all had their own personal relationship with him. I hope that it was great, no matter the circumstances.

I miss him, there's no doubt. But I'm grateful that he is no longer suffering with the pain that he was.
I know that he will be standing side-by-side with Stephen as he goes to the Marines, and will lift his son up whenever he falls.
It's what any father would do for their child..

It is so painful, it is too much. My body tries focusing on how to survive, yet I cannot focus on other things - like how to make myself happy without feeling the guilt -

because he just isn't here.

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